I don't have my life together. I'm not treating people with sympathy, not eating regularly, not sleeping in understandable patterns, not trying or working. This isn't irregular in my trainwreck of a life, though generally I go through the motions with a bit more grace and care. It's frustrating that the apathy of living in an underwhelming and disheartening environment has carried over to a climate where there are so many challenges and people to appreciate.
At its most basic, my grades are reflecting all of this. Somehow I've stopped really caring, though I should just be beginning. Truly I need to maintain a good GPA and be really learning. There should not be any excuses, yet I am making many. I'm clearly an A student, which sounds demeaning but is true...

And!

Welp, we're going for coffee tomorrow at 7:30. Not sure exactly how my good luck is so good, but it turns out you may be as interested in me as I am in you.

God, the way you make me feel. The looks you give me make my hair stand end, make me feel like I'm crumbling or about to. Beautiful blue eyes looking so deep into you can do that. And how you're constantly staying close to me, how I catch you looking at me all the time, how you've been texting me just to chat, how you were clearly looking for me on facebook, how you always pay more attention to me than to any other girl around...
I care so deeply about you. I think kissing you would be the best experience. When I receive your text messages, my whole body goes red, my heart pumps so fast, I can't stop smiling. I think about you all day, and my sub conscious dreams about you kissing me. I find you so entrancing, lovely, sweet. I can't wait to see you in eight hours...

Inane Updates

I've been missing my cats, missing them, but not much else.
There is a lot of essay writing to do. Today is the first day (after a series of five) that I have not had a fever.
I am still sore but
am capable of thought.
The autumn breezes are so calming, they run over you
like a friend,
always reassuring for all their coolness.
I do not understand people who say they Don't Like Mozart. I didn't know that was possible.
This campus is already starting to feel like a home. Friends are discussing living arrangements for next year- isn't it too soon for that? I am concentrating
on existing
right now! Next year is so far away.
I am to become a legal adult on Saturday.
Most people kill themselves, either in reality or in spirit, before then.
My childhood is still thankfully intact. Just because I am capable of restraining myself from rolling around in the leaves
or running around with my arms spread
or playing with imagination
in public
does not mean that I don't want to.
I'm glad little Maya is still around. She's comforting. She's so much wiser than I am.
I'm tempted to smoke a bowl but there is so much writing to do.
I don't like how my mother is lonely without me around.
The way the seasons are starting to turn is so exciting. It's a reaffirmation that the world is still turning, that things progress. Summer was beginning to make me believe that she'd stay around forever. Fall is my favorite.

Mendelssohn

The Mendelssohn Octet always makes me cry. It is one of the happiest pieces of music, performed on one of the happiest days of my life. The last Saturday concert of this summer's sessions for me, my dear friends making a joyful noise in the most beloved barn to which I've ever borne witness. They stood up, and when they began playing I began weeping, weeping along to the most joyful sounds in such a joyful environment, surrounded by magnificent people in the most beautiful place.

Reading about bodies and beliefs, living life as more of an adult, running away from bad decisions instead of confronting them...
Fuck destruction and racism and depression. Fuck suicide and murder and pollution. There are too many beautiful things.
Rejoice in beautiful memories, in soft words, in deep affection, in favorite pasttimes, in the nuzzle your cat gives your face on a rainy day. Sing praises to Beethoven, to your dearest friends, to your teachers- be they in a school or on the streets or in your support group. Admire those who go out and do what they love best.

Things go very slowly sometimes.