Inane Updates

I've been missing my cats, missing them, but not much else.
There is a lot of essay writing to do. Today is the first day (after a series of five) that I have not had a fever.
I am still sore but
am capable of thought.
The autumn breezes are so calming, they run over you
like a friend,
always reassuring for all their coolness.
I do not understand people who say they Don't Like Mozart. I didn't know that was possible.
This campus is already starting to feel like a home. Friends are discussing living arrangements for next year- isn't it too soon for that? I am concentrating
on existing
right now! Next year is so far away.
I am to become a legal adult on Saturday.
Most people kill themselves, either in reality or in spirit, before then.
My childhood is still thankfully intact. Just because I am capable of restraining myself from rolling around in the leaves
or running around with my arms spread
or playing with imagination
in public
does not mean that I don't want to.
I'm glad little Maya is still around. She's comforting. She's so much wiser than I am.
I'm tempted to smoke a bowl but there is so much writing to do.
I don't like how my mother is lonely without me around.
The way the seasons are starting to turn is so exciting. It's a reaffirmation that the world is still turning, that things progress. Summer was beginning to make me believe that she'd stay around forever. Fall is my favorite.

Reading about bodies and beliefs, living life as more of an adult, running away from bad decisions instead of confronting them...
Fuck destruction and racism and depression. Fuck suicide and murder and pollution. There are too many beautiful things.
Rejoice in beautiful memories, in soft words, in deep affection, in favorite pasttimes, in the nuzzle your cat gives your face on a rainy day. Sing praises to Beethoven, to your dearest friends, to your teachers- be they in a school or on the streets or in your support group. Admire those who go out and do what they love best.

Things go very slowly sometimes.

Love...

...is kinda blurry.

A Post About Cats

Look, I know I talk about my cats more than necessary but there is a reason.
I love them very much.
Darrell is curled up in the middle of my bed, and Larry jumped up to sit on me. I am surrounded by them and feel very, very happy.
They do this endearing thing where, when they sit on my lap, they put their paws on top of my left wrist (rarely my right), inhibiting any movement but it is lovely still.
Darrell makes little grunts in his sleep as he breathes out. His legs sometimes start running as he dreams.

They come into the house smelling of earth and air and love. They jump on my lap and purr.
If I am crying and Darrell is inside, he always, always comes to console me.
They have very real personalities and they make me laugh with their little mannerisms. Larry is insecure and needy, Darrell is sometimes inappropriate and farts too much.
My cats really, really love me.
They are very beautiful.
Larry will follow me around the house like a dog.
There are bouts of a few weeks when Darrell only sleeps in my bed with me at night.
When they hear my voice they come find me.

Can I make this for my eyes only?

Mmmmmmmmmmmm

I feel like I have to record exactly how I'm feeling now because what if I never feel this way again?

I am happy. So, so happy that I teared up as you slammed the door of your car to run back to my door to kiss me once more.
I feel like... doing something meaningful.

But mostly I just wish I were there or you were here or something.